Home Books Elyse is watching The Bachelorette–S19 E3: Cringe

Elyse is watching The Bachelorette–S19 E3: Cringe


My friend Jen is coming over for dinner tonight, so I’m exposing her to the show as well.

She had never seen it.

Will she be my friend after this?

Let’s see!

Pudding is too busy to watch. There are bunnies outside and she has to watch them with daggers.

Pudding looks out her window

We go through a fifteen-second preview and Jen says, “Honestly, I already hate these people.”

First one-on-one date with Rachel and Zach. They meet with the TV presenter Karamo, who arranged their date. There is a table with a giant, giant bowl full of shrimp and all I can think about is how long it’s been sitting at room temperature.

So they go to the premiere of the movie. Jen, who will now be taking over these summaries, says: “Please let them see Morbius.”


Gabby heads to the McMansion to see what the guys are up to. They throw the ball and Gabi says, “I don’t want to play anymore. I didn’t want to play to start.

I love her.

She feels that the boys are more interested in each other than she is.

It turns out that the movie Rachel and Zach are watching is this I and you, which none of us had heard of. There is a staged press taking pictures of them and calling them names. Plot twist: the theater is empty.

Pudding: This is when the killers show up.

The curtain rises and Matt White plays the piano on stage. Then the screen shows pictures from their childhood and the entire 15-minute relationship.

I really hope that if I were on this show (which I never would be), my family would be involved in production by sending pictures and home video of some other random kid.

Rachel and Zach look on "the movie"

Zach tells Rachel how much his father loves planes and how they used to go to the airport and he names different types of planes (Rachel is an airline pilot by the way). Then they arrange it.

He gets a date rose.

The next day, Gabi and Erich go on a one-on-one date. Gabby’s grandfather, John, appears. We love Grandpa John. They go to the “sound ceremony”. The master begins by clearing his energy.

Grandfather Ivan falls asleep. Later, they go bowling and arrange for Grandpa John to meet a lovely lady named Julie.

During their forbidden-to-eat dinner, Gabi tells Erich that she broke up with her mom. She gets emotional and has to leave the table. She worries that if her own mom couldn’t love her, no one else can.

Jen is not impressed that Erich doesn’t come to check on her.

In the end he gets a date rose.

So this is a group date. It starts with Gabby and Rachel posing in their wedding dresses.

Model Rachel and Gabby's wedding dresses

They are doing a photo shoot. First, the guys put on daisy dukes and do a sexy car wash scene. There are a bunch of different settings, including suggestions.

They go to SoFi Stadium for the after party. Aries and Rachel make out in the end zone.

Tyler tells Gabby that he feels a connection with Rachel and she appreciates his honesty. Hayden then tells Gabby that he’s there for Rachel too, adding that she’s more “rude”. Jacob then says that he has no connection with Gabby, and even if she was the only one there, he doesn’t think he has the nerve to continue. He ends by calling her “smoking.”

The level of shivering is physically painful. Gabby leaves to cry.

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the man cringes and says mmmm

All of this confirms Gaby’s fear that she is unlovable.

Rachel presents her date rose to Aries. Gabby says she can’t give a rose tonight. Rachel looks shocked.

The two women walk away. Gabby shares what Hayden and Jacob told her and Rachel says, “What the hell!? Do they think that insulting one of us will make the other… Do you want me to address that?”

Gabby says, “I’m here to find a partner for life, not teach dudes how to act.”

The next morning, Gaby and Rachel talk, and Gaby reflects that being able to reject her made Hayden and Jacob feel strong. Rachel says they need to make a change right now.

We go back to the McMansion and Hayden tells the guys that he has clarity and that his head is in the right place.

“In the ass?” Jen asks.

Dale walks out to the couches with a drink and tells the guys they’re going STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE. STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE, PEOPLE.

Straight to the rose!

animated red alarm

He also tells them that if they accept a rose from any woman tonight, they will seek to pursue only that woman and no other.

Jen says that Rachel should hook up Hayden and Jacob and horribly dump them at the last minute.

Pudding: I admire your bloodthirstiness.

Rachel picks Tino, Logan, and then names Termine. He tells her that he had a deeper connection with Gabby and rejects the rose. Dale puts him back in line and tells him he has to wait to see if Gabi offers him a rose. He takes the rose from Rachel and says that she has taken this rose and cannot offer it to anyone else.

Rachel says she feels embarrassed. She then offers Alec a rose and he says he can’t take it either.

Rachel is clearly falling apart.


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Kristen Bell is shaking

She asks Tyler to accept the next rose and he accepts. Also Ethan. Meatball then rejects her rose. Yes, his name is Frikadelka.

Gabby chooses Nate, Johnny, Spencer, Jason, Kirk, and Quincy. No one denies her.

They each have one rose left and they leave to talk alone. Rachel says she feels humiliated.

Gabby gives her last rose to Michael. Rachel gives hers to Hayden. Gross. I wonder if she did it because he was sure.

Jacob, Termine, Meatball and Alec walk home.

And that’s all. Are you watching?

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