I pride myself on being a great connoisseur of character; however, when my friends look at jerks I’ve dated in the past, they totally disagree.
Like this one guy I dated (actually I dated him twice). The first time we dated, I broke up with him because of allegations that he was seeing one of my close friends behind my back. But I went back to him anyway.
The second time we met was about four years after he apologized and said that everything with my friend was a misunderstanding.
One day a stranger called me and said she was dating my boyfriend. I thought it was a prank, so I didn’t even confront my boyfriend about it.
Then one day we were at my house hanging out when he got a call and he picked up the phone and the conversation sounded intimate. After hanging up, he told me it was his sister.
I realized that he was lying, because I knew his sisters, but not the girl who called; second, the number that called was the same number that called me a few days ago pretending to be his girlfriend.
When I met him, he was standing dumbfounded. I fell in love with this guy twice. How is this possible?
I know you want to scold me; I would do the same. But I think there is a bigger problem here. Consider these reasons why women settle for jerks.
1. Thinking you can change him
So this “bad boy” I was dating, I really believed I could change him. I invited him to church, tried to engage him in emotionally stimulating conversations about his life, and gave him books to read. Ah, how naive I was!
I had a typical situation where I tried to play therapist to “fix” my boyfriend and of course it didn’t work. This is the mentality of most women who end up being jerks.
As clinical psychologist Forrest Tully explained, most women get into a relationship with a bad boy because they have a hard time believing that those bad qualities are part of his core character when they’re emotionally invested.
They think they can somehow change the “bad boy” to be more responsible, loving, respectful and considerate of their feelings.
When women become “fixers” for jerks they date, they can develop a selfish desire to feel needed, and a lot of that ego comes from the assumption that they are better and therefore can change the other person.
No one can change another person. Do not think that your relationship will become another story I’m in love with a church girl.
On the topic: Why girls like bad boys, according to psychologists
2. Jerks are fun and exciting
Jerks are never boring. There is always something interesting, good and bad happening in their lives. They break the rules, take women out of their comfort zones and instill a yearning and fire that wasn’t there before.
When it comes to sex, bad boys don’t shy away from discussing sex and making women squeal with delight. They are not afraid to go to new territories and even break the boundaries. As Forrest Tully further explained,
“A man with an alarming disregard for social norms and a willingness to quickly turn frustration into hostility… No one is sure what causes his escalation. But that’s part of the appeal.”
Women love to be with men who make every day seem like an adventure. Of course, the “good girl” may be new to a lot of things, sexually, so she enjoys these adventures all the more—as long as she doesn’t break too many hearts or break boundaries.
3. Jerks are not afraid to approach women
Bad guys are always looking for the next “challenge”. Women may feel special when jerks approach them and ask them out, but the sad truth is that a guy would ask the next woman the same way.
There is nothing special about you for him. He’s just not afraid to approach you, and rejection doesn’t faze him.
Women find confidence in men sexy, and jerks have a lot of self-confidence. Only later may they learn that this confidence is a cover for what lies beneath.
Society has taught men certain masculine traits that are said to make them more masculine. These bad guys mask their feelings and act the part without fear.
Read also: 5 mental tricks bad guys use to get any girl
4. Attachment insecurity
Bad boys pick up on women’s insecurities easily because they’ve been in the game long enough. Their playbook is full of tricks.
Associated with low esteem, bad boys usually prey on women’s insecurities, making them think they are loved, seen and accepted. Due to women’s insecurities of commitment, they become strongly attached to the bad boy.
Unfortunately, by the time they start to see that he’s a jerk, they don’t know about him anymore.
Attachment theory states that our attachment to caregivers in early childhood influences our adult attachment style in romantic relationships.
Some people grow up avoiding intimacy, while others are clingy and afraid to let go. Jerks can tell if you fall into one of these categories and start playing the perfect boyfriend, but eventually they’ll take advantage of your insecurities.
5. Sometimes it’s a self-esteem issue
Most people assume that jerk guys are confident because of how they act around women. They have no problem flirting with women, complimenting them and asking them out to break their hearts.
The truth is that guys who behave this way may have no or very low self-esteem. They act like a “bad boy” or a “man” to cover up all their insecurities and lack of self-esteem.
The “bad boy” demeanor is just a mask to hide what he feels inside.
Since most women also suffer from low self-esteem, when they meet bad guys, they quickly fall for the initial charm, air of confidence and semblance of true love.
Low self-esteem in women makes them doubt their worth and that someone better could desire them. They fall in love jerk appeal, and sometimes stay in this relationship even if they know that the guy is not good. They may stay in this relationship longer than necessary.
Okay, so how do you tell if a guy is a jerk? I wish someone had told me this before I spent years of my life dating one.
1. Hypermasculinity 2.0
Yes, all guys have testosterone, but jerks are what evolutionary biologists would call hypermasculine. Their boldness is associated with exaggerated sexuality because of ideas about what they think women want.
2. They can be unruly
At the beginning of a relationship, women find this defiance intriguing. Especially if you’re a “good girl,” there’s something about a bad boy’s defiance that turns you on, but be careful. The same fire that attracted you can burn you later.
3. They are emotionally unavailable
They won’t want to have heart-to-heart conversations or connect with you on a deeper level. It’s a skill they just don’t have. If you crave an emotional connection, you’ll soon find out that you’re the wrong guy.
After dating a lot of jerks, at some point I had to realize that I was looking outside for love, affection and value when I should have been looking inside.
There will always be bad guys; I can’t change them, but I can work on my self-esteem and insecurities that make me fall in love with them in the first place.
The night I confronted my boyfriend the second time he was cheating, I opened the door and yelled at him to get out. As soon as he left, I decided that I would not open the door to my heart again to another jerk.
So, I immediately went to work on myself. Here are a few key transformations I went through:
1. To be whole
We love to hear guys say, “you complete me,” “I’m nothing without you,” and other similar things; I don’t buy anymore.
I want a guy who comes whole, not broken. Someone whose life is going somewhere, and even if I’m not in their life, they’re still good.
Because that’s what I’m trying to do, I’m not looking for a guy to “complete me”. I build confidence and self-esteem and know that I am worthy of love. Love from a “good guy”. I don’t need someone who validates me today and takes my love away tomorrow.
2. Don’t try to be a fixer
Girl, you still haven’t finished understanding yourself. Maybe you’ve tried so hard to change some habits, and even that is hard enough. Do you think you can change another person?
Don’t make the man your “project”. It won’t work.
The bottom line is that women fall for jerks because these guys take on the “alpha male” image and prey on their low self-esteem and insecurities.
Some good guys may be afraid to approach a woman, but bad guys are usually do not appear. Women are more attracted to a confident jerk than a less confident “nice guy”.
But just because they ask doesn’t mean you have to settle for jerks. You can do better.
On the topic: 4 amazing things that will make a girl want you more
